Wait

Patience is a virtue.  But it is definitely not MY virtue.  Patience is something I really have to pray for.  I like to get things done as fast as possible and I don't like waiting for anything.  I tend to keep a busy schedule so it is important for me to get things on my calendar as fast as I can.  If something comes up and its time is to be determined usually I end up having to bow out because something with a set schedule popped up.  I am all about scheduling my down time.  But hey, I like to keep busy.  I can't stand just sitting around doing nothing.  So waiting for me is close to impossible.

Over the past few weeks God has been telling me to wait on moving, changing jobs, and on finding a man.  That last one is killing me.  Its like I'm scared to be alone.  Thats why I started dating that guy so fast.  Now we're broken up and I've determined that I'm just going to wait.  Surprisingly enough its not really killing me any longer.  I have a certain peace about it.  But if you're like me, it will take a long time to get that peace.

Why is it that waiting is such a hard thing to do?  I am of the generation iphone.  We wait for nothing in my generation.  Everything is done in mere seconds.  Our phones now come equipped to keep us from waiting.  I remember just a few years ago ... if I needed to get on the Internet to do something I had to WAIT to either do it at school or for time to go to the library.  I had to WAIT while music took hours to download.  Now, I do everything from my cell phone.  The Internet is with me wherever I go.  And there is an app for everything!!!  I never have to wait for answers because its all in the palm of my hand.  I downloaded an album onto my phone (13 songs) in 5 minutes.  My generation is one that does not wait.  But waiting (being patient) is a concept that God uses rather frequently.

My very close friend and I had been brainstorming on why it is that "bad guys" [abusers, losers, etc.] are attracted to me.  I went through a study a while back on sexual healing {no not the song}.  The things that I learned during the short time I was involved in the study still stick with me now, especially now.  Think about it this way...if an animal is wounded what do you usually see circling overhead?  Vultures. 

They smell the wounded animal and are waiting on the perfect opportunity to swoop down and take advantage.  The bad guys I referred to above are like the vultures.  They smell a wounded woman.  She could be wounded from sexual sin, abuse, addictions, whatever the case may be.  But she is wounded, and the vultures are ready to take advantage of that brokenness.  They come around and tell you whatever you need to hear.  Its like they know you're torn down and they continue to break you, subtly, until you no longer feel worth anything.

These guys have been attracted to me for a long time.  I've always wondered...why can't I find a guy that treats me right.  Its because I'm wounded.  So Marly and I were trying to figure out exactly what it is inside of me that needs to be healed.  I have come out of the "victim" role and I've accepted my past and moved on from it.  But obviously if these guys are still showing up something has not yet been healed.  Out of no where we figured it out.

My body. 

I no longer see myself as beautiful.  God sees me as beyond beautiful, but because I've had two kids [and my body really shows that], I see myself as nothing.  This is what the vultures key in on.  They can tell that I'm not comfortable looking how I look, therefore, in the PAST I have used my other *more questionable* skills to get a man's attention and to keep him around.  But things have changed.  I am working on my image and how I perceive myself.  I also realized I hide behind my makeup, so I have set myself a few goals:

• Go to walmart without eye makeup on
• Go to walmart with NO makeup on
• Do not kiss any guy that comes in my life until the 5th date
• Allow the guy that sticks around for that kiss to see me without eye makeup
• Then without foundation
• Then without ANY makeup
• Even if he doesn't think I'm beautiful (which I'm not hideous without makeup on don't worry) I'll remember that God thinks I'm gorgeous and thats all that matters

If you're thinking I've gone of the topic of waiting...I haven't.  What I just described is part of what I'm doing while WAITING on God.  I'm not really waiting on a man or a job.  I'm just waiting on My Father to instruct me on what to do now.  Every morning I pray for patience.  And every day I'm tested in my patience.  But most days, I pass.  Thank you, Father!  When we wait, it can be a test of our faith.  Or it can simply be because God wants us to.  Or it can even be because "good things come to those who wait".  So even when its tough and it seems like things are taking forever, God has it under control.  I promise that if you listen to Him when He says to wait...you will not be disappointed!