THIS is the beginning. For the next 365 days I am going to do my best to blog as much as possible on what God is showing me. This isn't really to please anyone or put my business out for people to judge, but more for me to have something to look back on and see how far He has brought me out of the pit.
If I could journal...[and i don't because]
- I hate my handwriting
- I don't have time to sit down and write; typing is much faster
- Generally, I can't find a pen to save my life
September 29, 2010
BEFORE GROUP
Tonight is Support Group @ Bethany Christian Services (adoption agency : http://www.bethany.org/ ) and I have never been so excited! I swear, an entire month without going is just TOO long! These girls are my main support and I have so much to tell them.
AFTER GROUP
My thoughts once I'm in my car headed home after I started thinking about how much I miss my ex, who was my best friend for two years, and the father of my second child...
"I'm never going to find someone who loves me. If I can't have him then I would just rather have no one at all. I'm not good enough for anyone, because he doesn't want me. Why can't I be six foot tall and blonde without a flaw?? God, what the heck did I do? I don't have my babies. I don't have friends; I mean, none that I really hang out with. I don't have a boyfriend. My job is starting to get old. Seriously, if I could disappear and move far far away...I don't think anyone would notice."And that's when the lights went off... no literally...the blue lights...to top everything off I was getting PULLED OVER!
I honestly had NO CLUE what I had done wrong! I was completely wrapped up in my pity party that I didn't realize I was going 52 in a 35 as the nice officer pointed out. Much to my chagrin I stayed calm, gave him my license, registration, and proof of insurance
[thank you Lord for remindin me to pay that bill],
and he walked back to his car. Out of no where the tears began to pour; not because I was tryin to get out of a ticket, but because I had gone 2 years without any violations and my driving record was finally getting cleared and then I go and screw up. Next thing I knew I was crying over my ex, over how he's interested in someone else, over the fact that neither of my children would be at home when I got there, over how my life had been on the fast track to hell for the past 4 years, and the stress of living it like I'm supposed to.
Thankfully, the officer gave me a simple warning and I was free to go. But I was CrAzY depressed. When my alarm clock went off at 4:30 this morning [screaming at me to go to BOOTCAMP! http://www.upstatebootcamp.com/ ], I was less than excited. Now that I think back...I honestly don't know how I got out of bed. I don't remember putting my clothes on or eating my pre-workout snack. (yeah, rice cakes...they SUCK, but low in cals, good for carbs, and even have 1g of protein!) Somehow I drove myself to my workout, did it, came home, got ready for work, made breakfast, and left. It all seems like a blur.Once at work, I sat down and started thinking about how unhappy I am with myself. I realized ... I don't love Erica. I don't love me because of him...every HIM that has come in and out of my life. One him I'm not skinny enough for, the next him says sports are more important than me, another him breaks up with me cause I'm not blonde [hello you knew that from the beginning]. Then, what a dear friend of mine from group said hit me.
She used to journal what she thought about herself and then counteract that with what Christ says about her (us...everyone) in the Bible. Once she wrote down the appropriate scripture...she would cross out what she had written [because it obviously isn't true if God says..."HEY THATS NOT TRUE!"] And even the example she gave was the perfect one for me to start out with.
I am ugly. I am not beautiful!
"The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." -- Psalm 45:11
Then I realized...its time to date Him. Its time to spend every chance I can getting to know my Lover. He thinks I am beautiful...He knows my flaws, and HE LOVES ME, every part of me. Its time that I got to know Him better! :)
